What Not to Do With Someone With Anxiety: A Guide for Friends and Family
What Not to Do With Someone With Anxiety
If someone you love has anxiety, your instinct is to help. But often the most well-intentioned responses make things worse. Anxiety is widely misunderstood — and because it's invisible, it's easy to accidentally dismiss, minimise, or inflame it.
This guide covers what not to do, why those things backfire, and what actually helps.
Why It's Easy to Get This Wrong
Most unhelpful responses to anxiety come from a place of love, not cruelty. When we see someone we care about in distress, we want to:
- Fix the problem
- Reassure them everything will be okay
- Encourage them to push through it
- Point out that there's "nothing to worry about"
The problem is that anxiety isn't a rational miscalculation that logic can correct. It's a nervous system state. And the most common ways we try to help can actually reinforce the cycle rather than break it.
What NOT to Do
1. Don't Tell Them to "Just Calm Down"
This is probably the most common — and least helpful — thing said to anxious people. Anxiety is not a choice. Telling someone to "calm down" or "just relax" is a bit like telling someone with a broken leg to "just walk it off."
It doesn't acknowledge what they're experiencing, and it implies they could stop if they simply tried harder. This often leads to shame, which intensifies anxiety.
Instead: Acknowledge that they're having a hard time. "I can see this feels really overwhelming right now" is more useful than any instruction to calm down.
2. Don't Dismiss Their Fears as Irrational
"There's nothing to be scared of." "You're being ridiculous." "That's not going to happen."
Even if these statements are factually true, they don't help. Anxiety doesn't operate in the logical part of the brain — it operates in the emotional, threat-detection system. Pointing out that something is irrational tends to generate shame rather than relief.
Instead: Validate the feeling without validating the feared outcome. "I understand this feels very scary for you, even though it might look small from the outside."
3. Don't Force Them Into Situations That Trigger Their Anxiety
It can be tempting to "just push them through it" on the logic that they'll see it's not so bad. And while exposure is genuinely part of anxiety treatment — it needs to be gradual, controlled, and the person's own choice. Being forced into a feared situation often traumatises rather than desensitises.
Instead: Ask what would help them feel safer. Offer to be present. Let them set the pace.
4. Don't Over-Accommodate Either
This one surprises people. Excessive reassurance and removing all anxiety-provoking situations — while well-meaning — can actually reinforce anxiety. If a person never has to face their fears, the anxiety grows.
This is called accommodation, and research in psychology consistently shows it maintains and worsens anxiety over time. Always carrying out tasks for them, constantly reassuring them that bad things won't happen, changing plans to avoid their triggers — these feel kind, but they deprive the person of the opportunity to build confidence.
Instead: Be supportive without taking over. Encourage small steps toward facing fears, even if imperfectly.
5. Don't Make It About Yourself
"I don't know why you're always so anxious." "It's exhausting watching you go through this." "I wish you were more like you used to be."
Caring for someone with anxiety is genuinely hard. But voicing frustration or resentment in these ways places a burden of guilt on the person with anxiety — which makes anxiety worse.
Instead: Find your own support — a friend, therapist, or carers' group — to process your feelings, rather than directing them at the person who is struggling.
6. Don't Give Constant Reassurance on Repeat
When an anxious person asks "Are you sure everything is okay?" for the seventh time, it's natural to keep reassuring them. But reassurance-seeking is a compulsive behaviour in anxiety — and providing it repeatedly is like scratching a bite: brief relief, more itch.
Instead: Gently name the pattern. "I've told you that I love you and I'm not going anywhere — I think asking again is your anxiety, not a real question that needs answering." Then redirect to a grounding activity.
7. Don't Suggest Alcohol or "Just Have a Drink to Take the Edge Off"
Alcohol temporarily suppresses anxiety but increases it significantly in the rebound phase — often causing worse anxiety the following day. Many people with anxiety disorders develop a dependency on alcohol as self-medication.
8. Don't Ignore It or Pretend Everything Is Fine
The opposite failure mode: acting like nothing is happening and hoping it goes away. Anxiety thrives on silence. Not acknowledging someone's struggle can make them feel ashamed, alone, and less likely to seek help.
What Actually Helps
- Listen without trying to fix. Sometimes being heard is the whole intervention.
- Stay calm yourself. Anxiety is contagious. Your regulated presence is regulating.
- Ask what they need. Don't assume — "Do you want me to help you think through this, or do you just need company right now?"
- Gently encourage professional support. Therapy for anxiety works. If someone has been struggling for a long time, a therapist can offer what no friend or partner can.
If the person in your life hasn't yet explored therapy, ApprovedTherapists.com is a directory where they can browse therapists who specialise in anxiety. We don't verify the listed therapists individually, so encourage them to read profiles carefully and ask questions before starting.
A Final Note
Loving someone with anxiety requires patience, consistency, and some adjustment to your natural instincts. You won't always get it right — and that's okay. What matters most is showing up, staying curious, and not making anxiety the enemy of your relationship.
This article provides general guidance and does not replace professional mental health advice.
