What Are the Worst Things to Say to Someone With Anxiety? (And What to Say Instead)
What Are the Worst Things to Say to Someone With Anxiety?
Anxiety is one of the most common mental health struggles in the world — and one of the most misunderstood. If you care about someone who has anxiety, the words you choose matter more than you might realise. Some phrases, even when meant kindly, can deepen shame, increase distress, or damage trust.
Here's a plain-language guide to the phrases that land hardest — and what to say instead.
1. "Just calm down."
Why it's harmful: This phrase implies the person has control over their anxiety that they simply aren't exercising. In reality, anxiety is a physiological state. Telling someone to calm down is like telling someone with a fever to stop being hot.
What to say instead: "I'm here with you. We don't have to rush." Simply being present, without pressure to perform calm, is more useful than any instruction.
2. "You're overreacting."
Why it's harmful: This is a form of gaslighting — questioning someone's perception of their own experience. Even if the trigger seems minor, the person's physical and emotional response is real. Calling it an overreaction adds shame to the existing distress.
What to say instead: "What you're feeling sounds really overwhelming. Tell me what's going on."
3. "There's nothing to worry about."
Why it's harmful: Logic doesn't reach the anxious brain. The threat-detection system that drives anxiety doesn't process "but statistically, this won't happen." Dismissing fears doesn't dissolve them — it communicates that the person shouldn't feel what they feel.
What to say instead: "I can hear that this feels really scary. I'm not going anywhere."
4. "Everyone gets stressed. You just have to push through."
Why it's harmful: This conflates normal stress with an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders are clinical conditions, not a stress management problem. Telling someone to "push through" implies willpower is the missing ingredient.
What to say instead: "This sounds like it's been going on for a while. Have you ever spoken to someone about it professionally?"
5. "You need to stop thinking about it."
Why it's harmful: Attempting to suppress anxious thoughts is counterproductive. Research on "thought suppression" (the white bear problem) shows that trying not to think about something makes you think about it more. Telling someone to stop thinking about it creates a second layer of failure — now they're anxious and failing to think correctly.
What to say instead: "Let's do something together — do you want to go for a walk or watch something?" A behavioural redirect is more effective than a cognitive instruction.
6. "You've been like this forever. Just get over it."
Why it's harmful: This is perhaps the most damaging phrase because it communicates hopelessness — that the person is their anxiety, rather than a person experiencing a treatable condition. It also often carries resentment, which becomes a source of shame.
What to say instead: "I know this has been going on for a long time and that must be exhausting. I want to support you — and I also think you deserve proper help."
7. "You're being ridiculous/irrational/stupid."
Why it's harmful: Insulting the person experiencing anxiety doesn't reduce anxiety. It creates shame, damages the relationship, and makes it less likely the person will reach out when they're struggling.
What to say instead: Anything that doesn't include a judgement about the person's character or intelligence.
8. "I wish you were more fun / less anxious / like you used to be."
Why it's harmful: Expressing grief about who someone used to be places the burden of your disappointment on top of their already-heavy experience. It communicates that you prefer a version of them without the illness — which is rarely the supportive message intended.
What to say instead: "I miss spending easy time with you. What would help you feel more yourself right now?"
9. "Have a drink — it'll help."
Why it's harmful: Alcohol is a depressant that temporarily quiets anxiety and then rebounds — often significantly increasing anxiety in the hours or days after. Using alcohol as an anxiety coping strategy is one pathway to dependence.
10. "Other people have it worse."
Why it's harmful: Comparative suffering doesn't help. Telling someone their anxiety is less valid because others have "bigger problems" doesn't reduce their nervous system's response. It adds guilt.
What to say instead: Nothing. The urge to say this usually comes from discomfort with the other person's distress. It's worth sitting with that discomfort rather than trying to talk them out of feeling it.
The Theme Underlying All of These
Every phrase on this list shares a common thread: they communicate, one way or another, that the person's anxiety is wrong — too much, too irrational, too long-lasting, too inconvenient. Anxiety is already a condition full of shame. The most helpful thing you can do is be someone who doesn't add to that shame.
When Words Aren't Enough
If someone close to you has been struggling with anxiety for a long time, words — even the right ones — have limits. Therapy offers tools that no supportive conversation can fully replicate.
At ApprovedTherapists.com, you can find therapists who specialise in anxiety disorders. We are a directory service — therapists are listed on the platform but are not individually verified by us. We encourage anyone choosing a therapist to review their qualifications, specialisations, and approach, and to have an introductory conversation before committing.
This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional psychological advice.
